By T’Ericka Stelivan
Staff Writer
Pushing through nervousness and the anxiety from all of the eyes staring at me, I spoke first: “Hi, everyone. My name is T’Ericka Stelivan. I am 18 years old and I was in an abusive relationship for two years.”
I recently shared my story to a group of about 30 women gathered for a domestic violence event.
These women were of different ethnicities and led completely different lifestyles, but we gathered to speak about the one experience we all had in common. We are domestic violence survivors. We spoke through tears and talked about the demons we had sworn not to revisit.
I continued to tell the group: “But of course he wasn’t abusive 100 percent of the time. We had our beautiful moments, and then there were those spurs of rage.”
About half of the women stood up as I was talking. Before we started, the host told people to stand when they identified with something being said. It was a quiet way of comforting one another so that we wouldn’t feel like we experienced anything alone, or like we were talking to ourselves.
A lot of women were surprised that I was so young and had experienced being in an abusive relationship. They had many questions.
From research, I knew that I wasn’t alone and that many girls my age are in abusive relationships.
Futureswithoutviolence.org states, “Approximately one in three adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner.”
I told the group: “I just remember everything being amazing and perfect. He was my prince charming. We spent all of our time together, and then, he just became this angry, scary person that I didn’t know. It was a very confusing feeling that I wasn’t familiar with.”
I wept.
All of the ladies in the room surrounded me, showering me with hugs and kind whispers of encouragement.
I sat down, collected myself and listened as the rest of the women told their stories. Our hearts were heavy together, as we shared tears and ourselves. It was altogether painful, beautiful and inspiring.
“You are all so incredibly strong,” the host told us at the end. “Please always treasure yourself and take care of your body. Never allow anyone to invade you or make you feel unsafe. You matter. You are special. God bless you all.”
Domestic Violence Month is only acknowledged for 31 days but there are millions of people dealing with it every day.
“On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men,” according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
For me, I sometimes worry that people question why or how I could have stayed in an abusive relationship for two years. In the end, the reasons are complex. I was young. He was my best friend. Leaving meant breaking out of a comfort zone.
I can’t fully explain why one stays, but I know that many people don’t leave an abusive relationship for those reasons.
If you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, call 1-800-799-7233. This 24-hour hotline is staffed by people trained to help and get you to safety.
In honor of the thousands of people who have died due to domestic violence and the ones who are too afraid to get out, please don’t let your story be unheard. Don’t silence your abuse. You matter. Speak up.
T’Ericka Stelivan can be reached at [email protected].